I was at war with myself,Augustine · Confessions, Book VIII
and torn apart by myself.
Lord, I believe;Mark 9:24
help my unbelief!
The mind commands the body and is instantly obeyed.Augustine · Confessions, Book VIII
The mind commands itself and is resisted.
I became to myself a vast problem.Augustine · Confessions, Book IV
Your questions are not the opposite of faith.
They may be the beginning of a deeper encounter.
Thérèse of Lisieux spent her last eighteen months in a darkness she had never known. The "Little Flower" sat at the table of those who do not believe—and chose to remain:
He permitted my soul to be invaded by the thickest darkness,Thérèse of Lisieux · Story of a Soul, Manuscript C
and that the thought of heaven, up until then so sweet to me,
be no longer anything but the cause of struggle and torment.
When I sing of the happiness of heavenThérèse of Lisieux · Story of a Soul, Manuscript C
and of the eternal possession of God,
I feel no joy in this,
for I sing simply what I WANT TO BELIEVE.
You will seek me and find me,Jeremiah 29:13
when you seek me with all your heart.
Thomas Aquinas shows that rigorous inquiry itself can be a path of faith. He began every theological question by stating it clearly, then raising the strongest objections—the very doubts his opponents might raise. Only after honoring the doubts would he present his own view. For Thomas, proper questioning does not weaken faith—it deepens it:
Doubt, pursued rightly and humbly,Thomas Aquinas · His method of inquiry
is the beginning of deeper understanding.
Augustine, who questioned everything, discovered where his questions led:
Late have I loved You,Augustine · Confessions, Book X
Beauty ever ancient, ever new,
late have I loved You!
You were within me,
but I was outside myself,
and there I searched for You.
It is confidence and nothing but confidenceThérèse of Lisieux · Letter to Sister Marie, 1896
that must lead us to Love.
The honest question, asked in good faith,
is already a form of prayer.
A Prayer for the Questioning Heart
Lord, I believe—help my unbelief.
You know the questions I carry,
the doubts I cannot silence,
the darkness that sometimes invades.
I do not ask for certainty
but for the courage to keep seeking,
to sing what I want to believe
even when I feel nothing.
Through the intercession of Augustine,
who was at war with himself;
Thomas, who showed that questions serve faith;
and Thérèse, who sat in darkness—
let my questions become prayer.
Amen.
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